Emblem of Insecurity and Contemplation
by dreambigwriteoutloud
Summary: Patricia feels as if no one cares. She wants out. Out of trouble, worry, out of life. When she tries to solve her problems, one thing stands in her way. What will happen when everything comes crashing down in the opposite direction? *Rated T but might turn into more later


**A/N: Hey guys, so i came up with this idea the other day and really wanted to write it but im not sure if its good enough to continue... please let me know if you guys want me to continue it by reviewing and stuff! Thanks a bunch!**

* * *

It was late in the evening at Anubis house. The air outside was about as cod as you could possibly imagine. No, colder. Try being trapped outside in a blizzard in the middle of winter, cold. Of course, it wasn't yet the middle of winter, and there was no snow. December had only just come near to the holidays. It was six days before Christmas, and it hadn't snowed once. There was frost outside on the once green grass of the school grounds, but has now turned to an unsightly shade of brown from lack of hydration. Was that even possible in England, where it seemed to always rain?

It was approaching sunset and the students of Anubis were all filing into the house now for some of Trudy's famous hot cocoa. It was the perfect way to end a perfect day. Well, perfect for some people. Others, not so much. Fabian sat beside Alfie on the couch of the living room, guitar in hand, a smile on his face as he and Alfie serenaded the others with a song that Fabes had just finished writing. Who knew Alfie had such a nice voice? Looking around the house, it looked sad, and lonely without its usual familiar faces around. Deep down many of them felt as though the house had feelings, and missed seeing everyone there.

Nina had never come back to America because of the whole _chosen one_ nonsense. The house would have missed her most of all. She was the one who spoke to the house; helped it protect its treasure. Sarah put her trust into Nina. She truly was the next chosen one. Well, unfortunately she had to go. She sometimes messaged Fabian via email, saying hello and whatnot. Most of the time she can't get online. It's either not safe at the time, or she's busy with Gran. That and the damn time difference getting in the way.

As for the other familiar faces, Mick left last year. He had gone and moved to Australia, visiting at the end of the year, but leaving right after. A lot of the students missed Mick. Fabian had missed him most of all. They were best friends, and no one, except for maybe Patricia, knew what it was like to suddenly lose your best friend, _and _your girlfriend, within a year's time. And what about Amber? Amber had gone off to New York only weeks ago. Alfie sure was taking it hard. Did the house miss Amber?

It must have. She was the one who started Sibuna. She had been there through everything, and even before all of that. Surely the house missed her as well. The house perhaps missed everyone who had come and gone. But then again it has met new faces as well. Eddie, KT, and even though she wasn't a true Anubis (yet), Willow. No one could replace the ones who had gone, but surely they can fill the empty void with a bit of happiness again.

While the boys were busy with their music, the Anubis sisterhood was gathered in a circle by the fire place with Willow chatting about something that happened at school that day. Minus Patricia that is. Patricia was nowhere to be found. Jerome was entertaining himself in some way unknown to the others while all of this was going on. The last person who was missing was Eddie.

Patricia found herself sneaking out of her room through the window. Luckily her wall climbing skills were still sharp since she started using them a while back. Her black knee high high heels dug into the ground as she dropped the mere five feet left, remembering to bend her knees on the way down so that she didn't break her legs. A smirk formed on her face, yanking her feet out of the cold hard Earth beneath her. "She's still got it," Patricia whispered to herself. The redhead turned and took off to behind the house, trying to escape from everyone.

That's all Patricia's wanted lately; a way to escape. Escape her 'friends', worries, troubles, her _life. _She just didn't fit in anymore. Not here, not anywhere. No one would understand. Why the hell even bother anymore? Patricia sighed, the cold air catching her breath and dragging it out in wisps around her. She thought for a moment if it would be one of her last. No, not today at least. The girl slid down the wall of the house and collapsed onto the ground below her, sulking a bit and just trying to relax. No coat, no real warmth. Maybe if she was lucky she would catch pneumonia and everything would just end right then and there. Probably not, but a girl could dream, right?

Just then a rustling in the bushes caused Patricia to jump straight up in the air. "Who's there?" she demanded. The person emerged from the foliage. It was none other than Eddie Miller. The girl's eyes opened wide. "What are _you _doing here, weasel? Get out of here! I came here to be alone!" The girl kicked dirt at him, not really able to do much else. Eddie frowned slightly.

"Is that all?" he asked, sort of laughing behind seriousness. "Look, Yacker, er… Patricia. I only came out here because I was worried about you." Patricia yanked her shoe off and threw it at him hard. "Ow!" he yelped.

"Get lost, Eddie! You're not worried about me! No one's ever worried, no one ever cares! Now get lost, seriously!" The blonde wouldn't leave. He took a step closer to her but backed up once more when she made a go at him.

"Patricia…" the boy started, then noticing her lack of clothing. "Why aren't you wearing a coat? It's freezing out here, Patricia! You could get sick!" She glared at him, telling him to get lost with her eyes. "Look, fine, I'll leave right now, and not come back. Just… if you're going to stay out here, take my sweatshirt, please." The dirty blonde took his sweatshirt off and tried to give it to Patricia, but she refused.

"Why don't you give it to your new best friend?" Patricia mocked, talking about KT. "So close and cozy with her already, so you might as well." Eddie gave her a look of disbelief.

"Patricia! For the last time, there is nothing going on between me and KT! You're being stupid." There was that word again. _Stupid._ She was so sick of hearing that word. Too many times that word had set her over the edge. Too many times it made her want to burst. She couldn't control her anger anymore.

"You know what, Eddie? I am so SICK of hearing that word! I'm so SICK of hearing crap day after day! I'm _done, _alright? Done with everything! I don't want your sweatshirt. I want my shoe back, and I want you out of my life! For good, Eddie Miller, do you hear me? Now leave!" Eddie's face fell at her words.

"Fine," he said with a shaky voice, throwing her shoe back to her. "I'll leave." He didn't say anything else to her. He merely walked the short travel back inside to grab cocoa. Patricia however, broke down and cried for a good ten minutes. She cried until it hurt to cry, and she couldn't do it anymore. After that, the girl hauled herself back up the wall into her bedroom once more, and collapsed onto her bed. She wasn't seen for the rest of the night, and no one came to check on her. Well, if they did, Patricia was asleep and hadn't noticed.

Sometime during the middle of the night Patricia woke up to silence and darkness. She had slept through supper, and no one woke her. Her stomach grumbled and ached for food, but her heart ached for revival. She knew it wasn't the right answer, but she did it anyways. The redhead quietly marched herself to the bathroom. From a draw in the counter she snatched her razor and slammed her eyes shut. With a shaky hand, the girl brought the tool to her wrist and slashed her skin with one quick harsh swipe. Tears of pain flowed from her eyes as she let out a slight scream, watching the blood begin to trickle. Another slash on her other wrist meant another whimper of pain. As the blood ran down her arms, the tears fell onto her skin, causing it to burn but she didn't care.

She did the exact same thing to the other wrist, not hesitating. It left a huge mess, and her blue eyes just stared at it all. It felt so surreal, and dream like, but she knew. She knew very well that it was no dream. Her eyes cried their last tears again before she bandaged her wrists and went back to bed. No one knew that she had been doing this for months. Ever since she and Eddie broke up, to be exact. Once you started something like that, there was no going back. Patricia would never be able to stop, she feared.

* * *

It was a few days later and Patricia had gone downstairs for breakfast. It was early; much earlier than anyone ever woke up. Four days before Christmas, and Anubis house had already been decked out for a week or two. The clock read 7:08am. No one usually woke up until at least 8 o'clock. That theory was proven wrong for that day the minute Patricia stepped foot downstairs. Eddie and KT were in the kitchen, laughing, talking, sitting very close to one another. Patricia didn't let them see her watching. Eddie turned to the girl. "Should we go outside and look now?" he asked with a smile on his face. KT laughed and replied with an all too perky 'sure'. This Anubis sisterhood thing was a load of crap. Patricia always felt that way about it.

She followed the two outside, and couldn't believe what she saw. Eddie was actually letting KT borrow his sweatshirt. The girl was appalled. When she said that, she never really meant it! Patricia ran back inside to avoid more tears, ate her breakfast and slumped back away into her room. She was seen again next around noon.

* * *

Well now it was noon time, and no one had seen Patricia all day. Sibuna had decided to go looking for her. Sibuna being Fabes Eddie and Joy. The others were off out and about. The redhead stood in the middle of the road, brushing her hair back with her hands and taking in a deep breath. She was ready for this. Ready to end it all.

"I think I see her!" she heard Fabian call. _Oh no,_ she thought. _Not now! Go away! _They would ruin the whole thing. No matter, what Patricia wanted was coming right then. "Patricia!" they all called to her. They were running to her now, but the girl stayed still in the road and closed her eyes. They almost hadn't gotten there in time to see the big white truck speeding down the road. Eddie's eyes widened in his first instinct when seeing the truck.

"Patricia…" he barely whispered, running toward her. "Patricia, move!" The blonde slammed right into her, sending her flying out of the trucks reach, but unfortunately not himself. Eddie was hit.

"Eddie!" Patricia screamed. The others rushed over as well. "Call the hospital!" Patricia barked at Joy. "Eddie! Oh, Eddie you're so stupid! Why did you do that? Damn you!" The truck had taken off down the road somewhere. "I was supposed to get hit, not you!" Fabian and Joy stared at each other for a minute before looking at Patricia and realizing that she had planned her own death, right down to the exact time.


End file.
